Ugh! I’m experiencing my first spiritual challenge on this retreat! I was told the women’s group was on a silent retreat and would be keeping silence even at meals. However, there’s a whole gaggle of them giggling and cackling over supper. Fortunately I was able to have the small dining room entirely to myself, at least until the last two minutes. Too many women squeal their excitement or happiness. I think it is a nervous habit, or a matter of social/emotional sloppiness. Why do my ears have to be bombarded with your nervous noise? Yuck. By the way, my supper was ham, glazed carrots, and a baked potato with a side salad and ranch dressing.
Clearly I have to find a way to accept their noise for at least this evening. So the deeper challenge is in keeping my internal quiet peaceful regardless of external noises. But Lord! That’s my common day challenge! I was hoping for respite from the world’s chaos and cacophony! Sigh. Even Jesus had to contend w/ the devil’s temptations in the desert. I’m sure that “initial” desert experience, (the long fast before the beginning of the Lord’s public ministry), was meant to be a time of intimacy with His Father, a time of nurturance communing with the Holy Spirit, a time away — away from the world — away from that world which would eventually suck His life’s blood from Him, figuratively and literally. So Lord, here is my first “temptation,” to resent these people for their noise intruding on my ears that crave silence. How are we going to respond, Lord? My first chosen action is to thank You, Lord, that I can come to You with even my most trivial gripes! Thank You Lord for letting me bombard Your ears!!! Thank You that You always welcome me to come near to You. Praise be Jesus, blessed be Your Holy Name. Secondly, I thank You, Lord, that I can be absolutely sure that You will travel with me through everything, and guide me if I let You. How good and kind and gracious You are! Thirdly, maybe this “temptation” carries a grace: maybe You are giving me an easy exercise in disassociating myself from concerns, especially others’ behavior. Fourthly, thank You for Chopin! And for Amazon music! Yes, quiet nocturnes can serve as a buffer from other things that would call to my ears.
I’d still like to find out (maybe tomorrow morning, maybe by asking the secretary) if this group is going to eventually observe silence. Noise exhausts me, even when I don’t attend to it, having to spend some of my energy filtering what I consciously hear is something of a burden. Lord, I pray that if I shouldn’t even inquire, that You will steer me clear, but if it is okay and an appropriate way for me to negotiate peace in a shared space, then give me the words and the proper attitude for checking on this. Lord, they are so loud! I’m having a hard time keeping my blood calm!
I must also remember that this group has brought along with them a priest or two and there will be daily masses for which I am grateful. Lord Jesus, it occurs to me that You didn’t get to have quiet even when dying; scoffers, scorners, hateful people were yelling at You, deriding You, some even asking things of You, all while You hung on the cross, with all Your human energy draining away. Lord. By Your stripes we are healed. What a mystery, what unfathomable love You have for us. Even then, when You were stripped of everything, You gave: “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
Lord have mercy on my little soul. Lord have mercy on us all. Praise You, for You do have mercy. You sustain all that is by Your mercy. You are mercy. Bless You.
There will be a mass tonight at 8:00 p.m. Help me Lord to prepare my heart. Jesu juva; soli Deo gloria. Amen.
Meridians and Longitudes 